3. Passing Strange

,: 2022

FADE IN:

1. Electric “phone is ringing” sound. All lines in this scene are covered by the phone static effect. Phone connection sound.

OPERATOR

911, what is your emergency?

2. Peepers and a whippoorwill can be heard in the distance on Sophia’s end of the line.

SOPHIA

Hello?

OPERATOR

Hello, ma’am. What is the nature of your

emergency?

SOPHIA

Hello?

OPERATOR

Hello, ma’am. Can you hear me? What is the

nature of your emergency?

SOPHIA (more annoyed than worried)

There is something outside of my house.

3. Outside, a trash can is up-ended, garbage scatters.

SOPHIA (more annoyed than worried)

I think it might be a raccoon.

OPERATOR

Ma’am, I’m sorry, I’m not sure anyone is on

call for animal control operations right now.

4. Outside, another trash can is up-ended, more garbage scatters

SOPHIA (more worried than annoyed)

You don’t think it’s a skunk, do you? We once

had a skunk get into the garage. We went through

so many cans of tomato juice!

OPERATOR

Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I don’t—

SOPHIA (More annoyed than worried)

This is Wolfbrook, not Grafton! We pay taxes,

we have emergency services! I have an emergency!

I do not expect to be eaten by bears in my

own home when I pay taxes for emergency

services!

OPERATOR

Yes, ma’am, I understand, but the Animal

Control Officer is currently—

1. Outside, a trashcan is smashed into a tree, and the Monster roars. The nature sounds go silent at this, and remain silent for the remainder of the scene.

OPERATOR (alarmed, but hiding it)

Ma’am, can you please tell me your address?

SOPHIA (terrified)

Nine Old Forsythe North, off of Andronicus

Hill Road.

OPERATOR

Thank you. I’m sending someone over now, Ma’am.

Can you stay on the line while I arrange that?

2. Outside, the Monster chews on something, and there are other horrible noises.

SOPHIA (terrified)

Yes. Yes, I will stay on the line. How

long will they be?

OPERATOR

I’m reaching out to them right now.

SOPHIA (terrified)

Not close enough, then. I hold the phone

with my shoulder, but I am still here.

3. 3-4 Footsteps as Sophia walks across the room. She opens a closet door and picks up something that rattles very slightly.

4. The unmistakable sound of a pump-action shotgun being readied.

OPERATOR

Ma’am, can you tell me what’s going on?

SOPHIA (terrified, but determined)

I am ready now, that is what is going on. Let

us see how it likes a slug to the face!

2. Outside, another strange chirping call from the Monster. It then stomps off, into the night.

OPERATOR

Ma’am? Are you alright?

SOPHIA (quietly)

Yes.

Yes, I am. I think… I think it is gone.

But I stay ready. Just in case.

OPERATOR

Alright, Ma’am. I’m going to stay on the line with you while we get someone over there. What’s your name?

SOPHIA

Sophia. Sophia Castellanos. What is yours?

OPERATOR

Not many callers ask me that. My name is—

3. The phone line cuts out and leaves only a dial tone.

4. The Monster roars in the distance

SOPHIA

Hello?

Hello? Hello, are you there? Hello?

5. Sophia and the dial tone both fade out.

6. Cue Theme Song and Title Credits

FADE IN:

Ext. of Town Hall

1. Background noise of political activists—crowd walla and such. Cars driving by and honking now and again.

OLLIE

Right. Step One: car registration at Town

Hall. Step Two: pick up lunch for Grace.

Step Three: Have lunch with Grace.

CAMPAIGNER, an obnoxious “well meaning” busybody

CAMPAIGNER

Hey there! Hi! Ready to vote Yes on Question

2?

OLLIE

Remind me which one that is? Because if it’s

that thinly veiled attempt at getting christian

prayer into the morning routine at the schools,

not gonna lie, pretty sure that’s a violation

of the Establishment Clause.

CAMPAIGNER

What?

OLLIE (as an aside)

I hate arguing with people who haven’t actually

read the texts they rant about.

Hello, fellow human! Please, by all means tell

me about Question 2.

CAMPAIGNER

Well! As you may know, Wolfbrook has a growing

population of school age children.

OLLIE

No it doesn’t.

CAMPAIGNER

I’m sorry?

OLLIE

According to census data, the number of

children in Wolfbrook is on the decline.

But please! Continue! I can’t wait to hear

the rest of your informative and unbiased

informational statement regarding Question

2.

CAMPAIGNER

Ok! So, as I was saying, due to the growing

population of children in the school district,

it is imperative that we make sure to encourage

their physical health. Question 2 will ensure

that an adequate portion of the budget is set

aside to purchase additional land for ball

fields and sports facilities.

OLLIE

I suppose that’s fair. I know the little

tykes are really hurting for green space,

what with the town bordering a state park

and only having two separate athletic field

complexes already. More kids need more fields,

right?

CAMPAIGNER

Exactly!

OLLIE

So you’ll be voting yes on 4 then? Raise the

property tax to hire more teachers and buy

more desks?

CAMPAIGNER

What?! No! Raising taxes is a terrible idea!

And the number of teachers is just fine!

OLLIE

Let me make sure I understand this. You want

to buy up property and then turn that property

into ballfields for children who are miraculously

appearing in our community, but those same

children don’t exist for determining student/teacher

ratios or classroom equipment needs? Have I

got that right?

CAMPAIGNER

No!

OLLIE

Okay, what did I get wrong there?

CAMPAIGNER

Look, just… big government is bad! Taxes feed

big government by robbing from the public!

OLLIE

Y’know, I heard that Blundage Construction is

the single top donor to the warchests of two

different members of the Town Council. You

think there’s any truth to that? Because it

seems like a construction company might be

the real winner if Question 2 passes.

CAMPAIGNER

Why do you hate freedom?!

1. Stomping footsteps as the Campaigner’s curses fade out.

CAMPAIGNER (CONT’D)

Can’t believe that person had the gall! Come

up to me out of the blue and start spouting

nonsense and lies at good honest folk…

OLLIE

No! Wait, come back! I just want to have an

open and honest discourse about corruption

in local politics!

VICTORIA

Is there a problem here, Miss Masterson?

OLLIE

Mx. Masterson. Not Miss. Officer.

VICTORIA

Captain. I can understand someone wanting to

change their name… You believe in Democracy

with a capital Dee, don’t you? You seem like

the type. Non-violent rule by the majority.

OLLIE

I believe folks should determine the nature

of their governance, sure. What’s your point?

VICTORIA

I just think the majority of our community would say that your appropriate term of address is Miss, that’s all.

OLLIE

Well, by that logic I should be calling you Obersturmbannführer Beaumonte.

VICTORIA

And here I thought you knew the rules of

polite society.

OLLIE

I do, and believe me, I am sorry for breaking

Rule Number Four: Don’t Talk to Cops. Am I

under arrest?

VICTORIA

Of course not, dear. Trust me, you’d know.

Heck, I’m in a generous mood: you’re not

even being detained!

OLLIE

Then I’m going to go be…anywhere but here.

Peace.

1. Combat booted footsteps as Ollie leaves

VICTORIA (faux-sweetly)

I’ll make sure to swing by for a coffee

later! I wouldn’t want you to feel like I

treat your shop any different from any other

establishment in town. Why, we can make

it a regular thing! You take care, now!

2. Music to Mark Scene Change

FADE IN:

3. A car travels along a poorly upkept road.

OLLIE (Over the phone, static overlay)

[and]—so I made tracks and did the car registration thing. I’m on my way home now.

RENÉE

I can’t believe you called Beaumonte a Nazi. To her face.

OLLIE (Over the phone, static overlay)

Well, you know what they say: if the jackboot fits…

RENÉE

I also can’t believe she let you walk away under your own power, let alone with all your teeth.

OLLIE (Over the phone, static overlay)

Oh, it’s not over. She made a crack about becoming a regular at Unhallowed Grounds, so we have that to look forward to.

1. A car rolls to a stop in a battered driveway. The car turns off. Car door opens, footsteps, car door closes. More footsteps.

RENÉE

Alright, Ollie, I just got to Mrs. Castellanos’s place. I’ll talk to you later. Be safe, yeah?

OLLIE (Over the phone, static overlay)

Never. Except when it comes to sex. Later!

2. Phone beeps as the call is disconnected.

Ext. of Sophia’s House.

3. Birds are chirping, wind blows through trees, etc. Garbage rattles and rolls around on the driveway. Footsteps, some on broken glass.

RENÉE

What the hell happened here? Did I miss a tornado warning?

Hello? Mrs. C?

4. Footsteps on poorly maintained driveway, walkway, and garbage.

RENÉE (CONT’D)

I hope she hasn’t started wandering… or rummaging through garbage cans…

5. Footsteps on dilapidated wooden steps and porch.

RENÉE (CONT’D)

Hey, Mrs. C, are you—[home?]

1. The blast of a shotgun firing and wood splintering cuts her off.

2. Body literally hits the deck. Well, the porch. Then scrambles for cover—boot scrapes, crawling, frantic shuffling.

RENÉE (CONT’D)

Jesus fuck!

SOPHIA

Renée?

3. Gun rattles as Sophia lowers it.

RENÉE

Yes! Holy shit!

4. Footsteps as Sophia approaches, door noises from Episode 1 as she opens the door.

SOPHIA

What are you doing here, dear?

RENÉE

I tried calling to schedule our next trip, but your phone is out, so I came to check on you! Christ, you almost killed me!

SOPHIA

I’m sorry. I thought you were something else.

RENÉE

Don’t you mean someONE else?

SOPHIA

No.

RENÉE

What?

SOPHIA

The monster was here last night.

RENÉE

What monster?

SOPHIA

The monster. It has returned. And it has raided my garbage cans. And also ate one of my car’s tires. And I have suspicions about my begonias, but that may also have been a neighbor’s dog. The scoundrel…

RENÉE

Look, Mrs. C? I’m trying very hard to be understanding and also could you please put the gun down, thank you.

1. Gun rattles as Sophia lowers it, thunks as the stock touches the porch.

RENÉE (CONT’D)

Okay, so now can you tell me exactly what happened?

SOPHIA

I have just told you. The monster was outside my house, so I called the police. But they never came. I… I must have fallen asleep… I remember seeing the sunrise. Like it did that one time, when we had gone up to Lake Winnipesaukee, and we had been out on a party boat, and [then, when it was very]—

RENÉE

So there was… maybe a bear, or a moose?

SOPHIA

Moose do not eat steel belted radials.

RENÉE

…well you have me there. Okay, one thing at a time. Start in a corner and work our way out. I guess. Do you have a spare tire?

SOPHIA

I have my snow tires in the garage.

RENÉE

Fantastic. Let me…y’know what, I’m going to call a friend. Or maybe one of your neighbors? I can change a tire with the best of them, but there is… so much that needs to be done here… and what is with all this purple goo? Anyway, is there a neighbor I can call?

SOPHIA

Jeffrey Tremblay. He is a kind man.

RENÉE

Great, I’m going to call him. While I track down his number, maybe put the gun away?

SOPHIA

I shall do more than that! I shall make cookies. Do you think Jeffrey would want chocolate chip or snickerdoodle? Or peanut butter blossoms?

1. Door opens and closes, footsteps retreat into the house.

RENÉE

Chocolate chip, ride or die!

Oh my god, I almost died and now she’s making cookies. How is this my life?

2. Cue quiet music to underscore (Transition form of “By My Side”), but not scene transition. Music stays on for all of the phone calls below. Each call has light phone static overlay.

1. 4 different “Phone is ringing” noises for an outgoing call,

layered one after another, followed by 4 connection sounds.

RENÉE

Hello?

JEFF

Hello.

Ashley

Hello?

Ollie

Yo.

Xerxes

Yes?

RENÉE

Hi, um. Mr. Tremblay?

JEFF

It’s Jeff. Mr. Tremblay’s my dad.

RENÉE

Okay. Er. Jeff. This is Renée. Simard? I’m at Mrs. Castellanos’s house, and she said I should call you for some help?

JEFF

Did she lose power again?

RENÉE

I… don’t actually know. Maybe? But there’s… we could really use your help if you have the time.

JEFF

Hey, Ashley? I think you’re gonna want to see this.

ASHLEY

Hi Ollie! Jeff and I are at a “Mrs. Castellanos’s” house? We’re looking at some pretty… strange stuff.

OLLIE

Hey, Zerk, what’re you up to?

XERXES

Conrad and I are playing chess and discussing Gogol’s Viy. Why?

ASHLEY

Jeff thought you might be interested, and he asked me to ask you if you could maybe stop by with a flask of coffee?

OLLIE

There’s this weird purple goo all over the place, and claw marks on a tree that have gotta be at least twelve feet off the ground. And it sounds like something might have eaten a tire?

JEFF

And that’s not even the weirdest part.

OLLIE

Hey, do you happen to know what the opposite of “widdershins” is?

CONRAD

“Deosil,” why?

XERXES

Something I ‘have to see to believe,’ I presume.

RENÉE

Anyway, it’s a huge mess. We’d really appreciate your help. Mrs. C is baking cookies.

OLLIE

No reason. See you when you get here.

JEFF

And Ashley? Bring a camera.

1. Music fades out.

Ext. of Sophia’s House.

2. Birds are chirping, wind blows through trees, etc. Garbage rattles and rolls around on the driveway, though less than before.

JEFF (in the background)

Alright, on three. One… two… three.

RENÉE

3. A heavy object slides, wood on wood, and settles into place.

JEFF

Alright, good. Now you just hold it there…

ASHLEY

So why does she even have a gun? Wait, is this another “It’s a New Hampshire thing?”

OLLIE

Now you’re gettin’ it.

SOPHIA

Live free or die!

4. In the background (with Jeff and Renée) we hear a nail gun firing a few times.

JEFF

That oughta hold. Look good to you?

RENÉE

Yeah, I think so.

1. A pick up truck rolls to a stop in a battered driveway. The truck turns off. 2 truck doors open, footsteps, doors close. More footsteps, one set accompanied by a cane’s tapping on the dirt and gravel.

OLLIE

Hey, friends, welcome to the party!

XERXES

You made it sound like we didn’t have much choice in the matter. And Conrad was…keen to join.

CONRAD

My English Major senses were tingling. People don’t often ask about words as interesting as “deosil,” and I [thought]—

SOPHIA

Who wants cookies?

CONRAD

Oh. Um. I would. Thank you.

OLLIE

I didn’t know you had a sweet tooth.

CONRAD

I don’t. More “I can’t afford to pass up free calories on an adjunct's pay.”

XERXES

So why exactly are we here? You folks seem to have everything well in hand.

2. 2 sets of approaching footsteps on dirt and bad pavement.

JEFF

Take a look at this.

1. A small object strike’s someone’s palm.

XERXES

A spark plug? Looks like it belongs to that Skylark over there. But… that can’t be right.

OLLIE

I told you! I told you they’d get it right off the bat!

XERXES

So? Where is it from?

JEFF

Mrs. Castallanos’s Skylark.

CONRAD

Um, could someone explain to me what’s going on? I’m afraid I’m not fluent in Car.

XERXES

You see this threading here?

CONRAD

Sure. Yes.

XERXES

It’s reversed.

CONRAD

Is that important? Does that… mean… something?

RENÉE

You know “Righty-Tighty-Lefty-Loosey”?

CONRAD

Yes?

RENÉE

Well, on this sparkplug, it doesn’t.

JEFF

We were changing a tire on the Skylark earlier, and it turns out that everything on that car that’s got threading? Reversed. All of it. From the sparkplugs to the cap on the gas tank.

XERXES

Has it always been that way? An engineering oddity, or a long lost showpiece? Maybe a kit car gone wrong?

JEFF

Nah. I’ve done the basic maintenance on that beast for a few years now, oil changes, wiper blades, that sort of thing. And this? This is new.

ASHLEY

Any idea what might cause something like that? Oh, I’m sorry! We haven’t met! I’m Ashley Slake, she/her/hers.

XERXES

Xerxes Medina. My pronouns are they/them/theirs. And, to answer your question, the first thing that comes to mind regarding a cause for this so-called mystery is inebriated students from the college.

JEFF

Except look at the corrosion. No way they faked this kind of crud, look at the layers.

XERXES

Oh? Show me. If you’ll excuse me, Ashley.

1. 2 sets of retreating footsteps on dirt and bad pavement.

JEFF (Fading Out)

I’m telling you. That spark plug has been in that engine long enough to get that gunk. Which is impossible.

ASHLEY

So is that a definite on the college kids turning the car backwards or inside out or whatever? And what about the purple goo, the missing tire, and the claw marks on the tree? Because we saw some stuff out on Andronicus Hill Road that—wait! Come back!

1. 1 set of retreating footsteps on dirt and bad pavement.

ASHLEY (CONT’D, Fading Out)

Inquiring minds want to know! You folks are ok with being on record, right?

OLLIE

Well. This is nice.

CONRAD

Cookie?

2. Music to Mark Scene Change

Int. of the Unhallowed Grounds Café

3. Door open and bell jingle, quiet footsteps on linoleum, door close. There is very little background noise other than a coffee steamer and a dishwasher faintly from the back—the place is mostly empty.

BARISTA, a tired but enthusiastic younger adult

BARISTA

Hello, and welcome to Unhallowed Grounds!

MONK BAILISH, a stern former academic, middle aged and wary

MONK

Good evening.

BARISTA

Anything I can get started for you? I don’t mean to rush you, but it’s getting towards closing time.

1. More soft footsteps on linoleum as Monk approaches the counter.

MONK

I was surprised to see that you’re open at all.

BARISTA

Yeah, Wolfbrook beds down pretty early, aside from the college. You new in town?

MONK

What gave me away?

BARISTA

It’s a very small town. Pretty sure I know everybody by sight, even if I’m slow on a name sometimes.

MONK

Even the college students?

BARISTA

Especially the college students. They seem to make up at least half our customer base. Speaking of which, did you want to order something, or…?

MONK

Of course. May I please have a… ‘Grave Mistake?’

BARISTA

Sure thing! …Which one is that, again?

MONK

It seems to be a concoction built on the bones of an Americano, with some bits borrowed from a Caffe Mocha, a Café au Lait, and something involving caramel. I think. I can’t quite make out the last word, to be honest.

BARISTA

Oh right! Yeah, sorry. Ollie has a great sense of humor and terrible, terrible handwriting. Also, today is my first actual full day? I’m still learning some of the drink names.

1. Mugs rattle, steam hisses, and general ‘coffee making noises’

MONK

Ollie would be the proprietor?

BARISTA

Yep! They’re good people.

MONK

That’s good to hear.

BARISTA

Sooooooooo…

MONK

Yes?

BARISTA

Oh, I dunno. We’re the only two in here, just seemed like small talk was the way to go. And then my mind went blank. You know how that goes.

MONK

Not really, no. But since we’re both new—you to the job, me to the area—would you mind if I asked you a few questions?

BARISTA

Happy to help if I can.

MONK

Thank you. First of all: could you point me towards a place to stay? Preferably inexpensive. One that takes cash. I’m afraid I don’t trust online reviews, my phone has a virus, and I’m having an issue with my credit card. Identity theft.

BARISTA

You poor bastard. I had a friend ‘buy some sneakers’ in China once while they were actually over in Vermont skiing. Heck of a trick.

MONK

Isn’t it just.

BARISTA

Anyway… I hate to say it, but you might want to try Lydia’s Motel? On the western edge of town, near the park. It’s… um… what’d you say? “Inexpensive.” It is inexpensive. In spades. Are you sure, though? You want me to call somebody?

MONK

No! …thank you. I’m sure I’ll get it all straightened out in the morning.

BARISTA

Sure, if you say so. Behold, friend! Your ‘Grave Mistake!’

1. Drink in paper cup is set on counter.

MONK

It smells very… strongly, thank you. Two more questions, if I may?

BARISTA

Shoot.

MONK

Have you noticed anything strange going on in town recently?

BARISTA

Hunh. I… I dunno? I mean, what’s strange these days? I guess it’s kinda weird that my friend Ben hasn’t called me back in a while, but other than that not really? I heard they had a tornado touch down out on Old Forsythe Road last night, and you’d have thought I’d have seen that from my place, but I didn’t. Does that count?

MONK

That’s perfect, thank you.

BARISTA

Last question?

MONK

Where can I find Xerxes Medina?

1. Music to Mark Scene Change

Int. of a Compact Car at Night

2. Night-in-the-woods noises, whippoorwill and peepers, wind in the trees, etc. can be heard somewhat muffled outside.

DRIVER, an everyday motorist who happens to be slightly inebriated.

DRIVER

No, I’m not, I swear.

1. Wa-wa backwards talk noises from the other end of a phone.

DRIVER

No, I’m telling you! I was on my way home, an’ I got a flat tire, that’s all!

2. Wa-wa backwards talk noises from the other end of a phone.

DRIVER

Baby, I promise, that is not what’s going on. I’m just waiting for the tow truck now and [when I]—

3. Angry WA WA and then the phone disconnects.

DRIVER

Well, shit. A week on the couch is gonna suuuuuuuck. At least the wrecker’s finally here.

4. Car door opens, feet step out, car door closes.

5. A large truck drives closer, stopping nearby, and a heavy diesel engine idles for the rest of the scene.

6. Truck door opens, feet step down, truck door closes.

DRIVER

About fuckin’ time! I called you, like, half an hour ago.

JOHN

My apologies. I was in the middle of something when I received your call.

DRIVER

Yeah, ok. Hold on, I’ve got my Granite Motor Club card here, somewhere.

JOHN

Not to worry. I am sure everything is in order. What seems to be the trouble?

DRIVER

I was being responsible, wasn’t talkin’ on the phone or anything, and this tree, right? Or a deer. Yeah. A deer. This deer comes outta nowhere, right? And so I kinda go off the road a bit, and I think the tire’s gone, maybe the rim, too. I kinda drove on it a bit?

JOHN

I can see that. Even so, I am sure I can get this sorted out in no time.

1. Hydraulics work and the bed on the truck moves.

DRIVER

Er, yeah… thanks. Hey, um, do you, uh… know what you’re doing? Only, I don’t usually see mechanics wearing suits and ties, you know? And your rig looks a bit far from where it needs to be and all…

JOHN

I assure you, I know how to operate this machine. My employees enjoy their nights off as much as anyone else, and no one else was on duty when you called. Could you please open the hood for me?

DRIVER

The hood?

JOHN

Yes.

DRIVER

But… you’re holding the hook. Don’t you want me to put the car in neutral or something?

JOHN

The hood, if you would be so kind. The release is likely located low and near the kick panel.

DRIVER

I know where my damn hood release is, Jesus. Dome light’s busted, is all, and finding it in the dark’s a pain in the ass.

One second.

1. A vicious, wet crunch as John smashes the Driver’s head with the tow truck hook.

DRIVER

guuuuuuuuuugh…

JOHN

Still conscious? You must have a particularly thick skull. No offense intended.

2. Weak scrabbling noises in the car and on the dirt of the road.

JOHN

No, no, do not struggle. Let us be reasonable about this. Struggling—

3. A second vicious, wet crunch as John breaks one of the Driver’s knees.

DRIVER

Argh! Oh, god, my knee!

JOHN (CONT’D)

—will only lead to unnecessary pain. Wait here a moment.

1. Footsteps leading away. A rattling thud as a rack of equipment is hefted off the truck and wheeled over, along with returning footsteps.

DRIVER

I don’t wanna die…

JOHN

That is most unfortunate. Because, I assure you, no matter your efforts, I am going to kill you.

DRIVER

Why? Why?

JOHN

An unfortunate side effect of the extraction procedure. If it is any consolation, your death serves a purpose in a profound and lengthy struggle.

2. The Driver is dragged a short ways over the rough road. There is the shrieking squeak of a valve turning, and a hissing of gas.

JOHN

More to the point, I need something which you can provide. Or rather, I need to consume something you have within you. But do not worry, I am not a barbarian. I have refined the process considerably. ‘Down to a science,’ as they say. Normally, I would wait to do this until we were somewhere more private, but I am a bit short on time and took the liberty of posting some road work signs. We will not be disturbed.

3. A squelching impact as a metal instrument is jammed into the Driver’s neck.

DRIVER

JOHN

Now hold still or this will hurt more than it needs to…

1. A toggle switch is flipped and a vacuum pump starts up. Possibly wet slurping noises as brain juice is sucked out. Slow fade.

2. Cue Endcap Music and Closing Titles